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Farewell, My Friend

2010 is not off to a great start. On New Year's day we had to put Ralphie down. He was about two and a half years old. He lived much longer than he was supposed to. About a year after we got him a massive tumor grew on his side literally overnight. We had it removed. Four months later another tumor appeared. We had that one removed. Then, a few months ago, another tumor appeared but this one was in his bladder and was, unfortunately, inoperable. Over the next couple months he would have good days and he would have bad days, but on the first day of this month we knew it was time. Yes, he was a rat, but so what? I never thought I'd have a rat as a pet (it was my wife's idea; the moment she saw him at the pet store she knew he was the one), but I took to him immediately. He was my little buddy. He was a very domesticated rat, and because he was almost never with any other rats, I don't think he even knew he was a rat. Most times he acted like a dog, following me and my wife around the townhouse when we went room to room. I will remember him fondly as my little buddy; he even inspired a story. He was always getting into trouble. There are books and papers all over the place with little bite marks (he loved to chew paper ... even my Norton contract). To keep him from running up the stairs, we would put up a cardboard partition, and he would always manage to find a way to knock it down. He was super smart. When he was done running around and wanted attention, he would come and stand on either my foot or my wife's foot to be picked up. Or if my wife and I were on the couch together, he would sometimes manage to jump and climb up so he could be with us.

So 2010 is dedicated to Ralphie. We're going to miss you, buddy. You are loved.

Spam I Am I Am

I don't know about you, but I've always found spam fascinating. Sure, it's a pain in the ass, but where does it come from? Who sends it out? How exactly does it end up in your spam folder or, if the spam lucks out, in your in-box? Michael Marshall (Smith) had a great theory about e-mail spam in his Straw Men trilogy. I won't give it away but just say that I thought it was brilliant, wish I had come up with it first.

Note too that I don't like these people. They're despicable, though not nearly as despicable as plagiarists. The thing about spammers is that it's a two-way street. They have to send out the e-mails, and someone has to respond. And let's face it, someone does respond, because why else would these spammers go to such lengths?  That, I think, is what I find most fascinating, that there are people out there that actually fall for this bullshit.

Anyway, the best way to avoid spam is to never put your e-mail address anywhere online, or if you must -- like I have on my contact page -- then mix up the address with (at)'s and (com)'s so whatever spam-crawler there is out there can't grab it.

I should have done the same thing when I posted the Hint Fiction submission address. Instead, like an idiot, I included the entire thing, even hyperlinked it, and you know what? The spammers had a field day. In fact, they're still having a field day, because when I log into the account every so often, the spam folder will be bulging with spam e-mails. Some even managed to sneak in undetected into the in-box. And I said to myself: I could delete these, sure, but what fun would that be?

So I opened one of them and responded, just to see what might happen. Below is the correspondence so far. Note that names and e-mail addresses have not been changed to exploit the guilty. Also, not a word of the spammer's e-mail has been touched (I personally think the people behind these scams are very intelligent and know proper grammar and write the e-mails this way to make them seem "more realistic").

from    oulim george <oulim5george@sbcglobal.net> to date    Sun, Oct 25, 2009 at 4:18 AM subject    Hi My New Friend, signed-by    sbcglobal.net

Hi My New Friend,

How are you? my name is Oulim George it is my great pleasure to contact you through this media requesting for a relationship and i know that you will grant my request in good faith and understanding while we see what happened in future.

I will be very happy if you can write me back so that l will tell you more about me and also send my picture and details about my self, you should remember that distance, color, language or race cannot be barriers. i will be waiting to hear from you,

Your new friend,

Miss Oulim,

And now here's my simple response to get the ball rolling:

from    Hint Fiction Anthology <hint.fiction@gmail.com> to    oulim george <oulim5george@sbcglobal.net> date    Sun, Nov 1, 2009 at 12:17 AM subject    Re: Hi My New Friend, mailed-by    gmail.com

Hi -

I don't have many friends. Will you be my friend?

And then a pretty instant reply:

from    oulim george <oulim5george@sbcglobal.net> to    Hint Fiction Anthology <hint.fiction@gmail.com> date    Sun, Nov 1, 2009 at 7:00 AM subject    Hello Dear signed-by    sbcglobal.net

Hello Dear, Thanks for your message. How are you,hope you are doing fine?I think you are the type of man i want in my life,i want someone who knows how to treat and take care of woman. Well,as a young girl i am seaching for a good friend and a man who is ready to love and be loved,a man who does not take advantage of women and a man who can be trusted,it does not matter where he comes from, nor race,as long as thier is understanding and love. I am a humble and gentle girl,I am very caring and i am the type who will do everything posisble to make my man happy so that the love which we shall have will be a lasting one. My name is Oulim George,i am 24yrs old,from Liberia. I do not smoke,i do not drink and i eat healthy food. My hobbies are swimming,listening to good music,especialy Rnb and gospel music, i like  reading books. I am a truthfull and well brought up girl from a good family.When my parents were alive,they thought me so many good things and even now they are no more i have seen the importance of getting a good upbringing. I believe life is about to learn every day. No one is perfect .I want to find someone to share happiness with me,well,not only happiness because life is not pink,but share difficult times too and make them easier with love and understanding.i hope that person is you.I am  looking forward to better days ahead as i feel this is the start of a great relationship.

This is all i can say about me for now,as time goes on and as we become more closer,i will tell you more about me and we can share more personal secrets with each other. I send my pics with this message.Please darling tell me more about yourself and give me your pics.I don't have my private number for now but you can call me on the Reverend number, his name is Pastor Davies. Cheers,

Oulim

Plus this picture (she must think she's Spider-man):

And then my reply:

from    Hint Fiction Anthology <hint.fiction@gmail.com> to    oulim george <oulim5george@sbcglobal.net> date    Sun, Nov 1, 2009 at 5:32 PM subject    Re: Hello Dear mailed-by    gmail.com

Well, people would call me a masochist, but I think I'm just misunderstood. The stuff that happened to the animals wasn't my fault, and besides, the police were never able to prove any of it was my doing anyway. I like reading and watching DVDs and long walks on the beach. I also like huffing glue, notably Elmer's. I think they make the best glue to huff, must be something in the chemicals. Let's see ... I like pepperoni pizza, I like Spam sandwiches, I like parking in handicapped spaces at the mall even though I'm not handicapped just so that the real handicapped people have to park farther away. I steal cable because I love HBO but think it's too expensive otherwise. My favorite show of all time is Big Love, because he has three wives. What is your opinion on polygamy? I await your reply ...

And that's it for now. When there's more, you better believe I'll post it here.

Here's Your Treat, Now Get Off My Porch

Another busy week, but I should be caught up soon and posting more around here. Hopefully. In the meantime, I thought I'd partake in a little Flash Fiction Friday with a supernatural tale, a Halloween treat if you will. First though, I want to give a shout out to Joe Schreiber, whose Stars Wars novel Death Troopers debuted at #13 on the New York Times bestseller list. Very nicely done, Joe.

Anyway, remember awhile back I mentioned how the problem with writing for certain themed anthologies or magazines is that, if you don't sell the story, you're pretty much screwed? Well, that happened to me recently. Shroud magazine had a flash fiction contest a month or two back. My story was a semi-finalist, so I know it's not complete crap, and why I feel okay letting you see it now.

Before you read it though, understand that the stories for the contest had to do with this true news story. After reading the brief article, you probably see why the contest's theme makes it difficult to try to sell the story elsewhere. So that's why I'm presenting it to you, because you asked so nicely and I'd rather give you a treat than risk whatever trick you might have in store. Enjoy.

All the King’s Horses, All the King’s Men

A joke, that’s all it had been, just some dumb prank that was expected of teenagers because, come on, they’re kids, and like all kids, they make mistakes. But no, the authorities hadn’t seen it that way, neither did the school district, and so her son was suspended for a week, a week where he spent thirty hours of community service, like he was a real criminal and not a confused, misunderstood sixteen-year-old.

That had been two weeks ago, the worst week of their lives ever since Randall left — her husband having packed his bags and walked out the front door without looking back — and now something had happened to her son.

“Honey?” She knocked on his door. “Can I come in?”

No answer.

She let herself into the room. It was dark. She flicked the switch on the wall but the lamp wouldn’t come on.

“I took the bulb out.”

His voice, coming from the bed, startled her.

She cleared her throat. “Why?”

“It was too bright.”

“Honey … ” She started forward.

“Don’t. Please, Mom. Just leave me alone.”

“But — ”

“Please.”

She could barely see him in the dark, his face pale in the little light coming from the doorway.

She stood another moment, then turned to leave.

“I was telling the truth before,” he said. “I don’t know who it was.”

The other person, the one who had escaped in the Humpty Dumpty costume, what everyone assumed was a friend of Stuart’s.

“I don’t think … ” Stuart cleared his throat. “I don’t think anybody was in that suit. I think … it was empty.”

*

Later she found herself smoking, wanting to call someone but not knowing who to call. Her son — she hated to admit it — had gone crazy. Randall, she blamed Randall for this, wherever the hell he was. If he hadn’t left, Stuart wouldn’t be so messed up.

She sat at the kitchen table and went to light her fourth cigarette when upstairs she heard her son scream.

*

His door was locked.

“Stuart, open up!”

He cried out again, his voice unintelligible, then: “Here, he’s here!”

“What?” Thinking for an instant he meant his father. “Who?”

“Please, Mommy, make him go away!”

Her son, regressed to a boy again, sobbing for help.

“Honey” — she banged her fists on the door — “open up!”

“He wants … he wants me to fill his soul. He wants … he wants me to help put him back together again.”

Her son’s words, mixed with cries of pain, and then, suddenly, silence.

She stood very still.

“Honey?”

No answer.

She tried the knob again — this time it turned — and pushed the door open.

He was on the bed.

“Stuart?”

She started forward, was beside him an instant later. His face had gone completely ashen, his eyes open.

The light from the doorway faded, and she turned just in time to see the white curve of a giant egg disappear around the corner.

Douchebag Alert

This has crossed a bunch of blogs over the past 24 hours, not to mention Twitter, but I thought I'd mention it here in case a few people haven't been made aware yet. This blog post from Angel Zapata explains how a writer is ripping off other writers (Aaron Polson is one of the "other writers" and also talks about the experience here).

Basically, some shithead is plagiarizing other works online -- taking paragraphs and lines from other stories -- and making it his own.

Apparently, this asshole even went so far as to try to rip off Stephen King's "The Boogeyman." Supposedly "King's people" have been notified about this, but I'm sure this is far from a top priority for them -- and no doubt not the first time this has happened.

Mostly this case seems to be sequestered to the online horror small press sector, but it's worth keeping in mind that this shit happens all the time in any genre community, and the only way to police it is for everyone to stay vigilant.

And how does one go about stopping this?

Well, there's the rub. Being online makes everyone anonymous. This dirtbag could be living next door to me for all I know (though according to one bio he lives in the UK and is -- get this -- a law student). Suffice it to say, the name he's been using -- a pseudonym -- will very quickly be on the radar of every editor in the horror small press and beyond and he will be, as they say, blacklisted.

Until, of course, he picks a new pseudonym and starts the cycle all over again.

Now, on a brighter note, the online writing and reading community Fictionaut has gone live to the public. If you like social interaction, and you like writers and readers, then you probably want to check it out. Keep in mind that while it's open to the public to see, you must be a member to interact. Luckily, I currently have 3 invites for anybody who would be interested. If so, say something to that effect in the comments section and I'll contact you.

Three Inhuman Winners

Thanks to everyone who participated in "An Inhuman Little Contest." The turnout was pretty good, enough so I can give away three copies of the magazine. A lot of imaginative "captions" too, though I'm not sure if it should worry me that a number of people had a "Robert" as the character being eaten. For those interested, I stole the novelette's title from Hamlet. And those things consuming the guy in the picture is actually supposed to be long grass ... which isn't really grass but something else ...

Anyway, I wrote each person's name who commented on separate Post-It notes, folded each twice, then put them all in a hat and had my wife select three random winners. And those winners are --

  • Brenda Stokes
  • Chris Chartrand
  • Jason Thummel

If the three of you wouldn't mind e-mailing me your addresses at robert (at) robertswartwood (dot) com, I promise to just send you a copy of Inhuman and not resell those addresses to the ShamWow people no matter how much they offer me :-)

And to everyone else, thanks again for participating. To paraphrase an American icon, you are what this blog is all about.