Uncategorized

It's Jersey Circus, Bee-otch!

All right, so I have a love-hate relationship with reality TV. Everything about it is just awful and pointless, but I, like everyone else, keep getting sucked in. Some shows I never had any desire to watch, like Survivor and The Amazing Race (basically anything on CBS). I did, however, really get into The Apprentice, especially The Celebrity Apprentice. And of course back in the day I sometimes watched The Real World. (Especially the one in Las Vegas. Anyone remember that one? That one was crazy.) So it would make some weird sense, I guess, that I just recently got into watching Jersey Shore thanks to good ole Netflix. When the first disc arrived in the mail (unfortunately the show isn't streaming instantly ... yet), my wife gave me one of those looks and said something to the effective that she couldn't believe I wanted to waste my time. But I talked her into watching the first episode which was just as big of a train-wreck as you'd think it would be. And with every episode that progressed, the show just got crazier and crazier, which of course translates into being more and more entertaining.

Because that's the sad part about reality TV, isn't it? It's a mirror into our culture: our entertainment is pure sensationalism and ridiculousness and we love it when normal people who somehow become "celebrities" act like fools.

Of course, our culture currently has a thing for mash-ups, too, and if you're a fan of both Jersey Shore and The Family Circus (which, let's face it, you probably aren't), then you need to check out the mash-up blog Jersey Circus, which takes dialogue from Jersey Shore and adds it to different Family Circus cartoons (just like those Kanye West and New Yorker mash-ups, which are brillant too). Here are five to enjoy.

And The Beat Goes On

As you may remember from this post, my adoring fan prissy58 gave The Silver Ring one star at Barnes & Noble's website because, in her words, "wasting my time i asked for book, not this." You'd think after that terrible experience, she would avoid my stuff, right? Wrong. Apparently she read the free version of Through the Guts of a Beggar and had the following lovely things to say.

Can't wait to see what she thinks of the Hint Fiction anthology in November!

How I Spent My Vegas Vacation (With Pictures!)

As you recall from my last two posts, my wife and I went to Las Vegas to attend my brother-in-law's wedding. This was the second time we'd been to Vegas. Last time we told ourselves next time we should come at night, see the glowing city on the horizon and watch it grow bigger. But then we'd miss a great view of the Grand Canyon.

Ah, yes, our seats were right beside the wing. Which isn't the greatest feeling when you look outside and see the wing shaking up and down like it might snap off at any moment. But anyway, we landed safely, and there were of course slot machines in the terminal, but they weren't nearly as interesting as one of the ads that greeted you as you went down the long corridor out of the airport.

Alas, we never did get around to shooting a real machine gun, but there's always next time. And so from there we eventually made it to our hotel, which was Treasure Island, which, in case you're planning to visit Las Vegas anytime soon, it should be noted charges a daily resort fee of $22.40, because apparently the regular high cost of the room isn't enough.

Maybe the reason Treasure Island charges that daily resort fee is because people are stupid enough to pay it without complaining. I mean, people would have to be pretty stupid otherwise the hotel wouldn't see the need to point out that the sprinkler system is not an ideal place to put hangers.

And for some reason I always thought drinks were relatively inexpensive in Vegas. I mean, they want you to gamble as much as possible, so cut people a break on beverages, right? Guess not, as at one casino that first night my wife and I ordered a Captain and Coke (me) and a Cosmopolitan (her) and the bill came to $23. Seriously!

The next day, Thursday, was the wedding day. The guys and girls split up and did their own thing. The bride's brother came up with the idea of getting the guys tuxedo T-shirts which we wore around town. Walking through one casino, we passed a group of guys wearing suits, and one of the guys said, "Man, we should have done something like that."

We took the monorail up the strip and stopped at a bar called Diablo's for drinks. It wasn't even noontime yet and we threw back Tequila and had Slurpee-type drinks mixed with heavy liquor. I hadn't had breakfast yet and was feeling buzzed almost immediately (it also didn't help that we were walking in the 100-degree temperature outside), so it was good that our next stop was for lunch at a place where a giant biker rode his hog through the wall.

Then it was a lot of wandering around, and we happened past this giant stripper. We did not venture any closer for fear that others of her size might be lurking inside.

Back to the hotel then, where I took a relaxing nap, and then it was wedding time. The ceremony was short but sweet, and it was recorded online for all the groom's and bride's family and friends back home to watch. Afterward, we went to dinner at the Venetian across the street.

Aren't they a good-looking couple? Of course, my lovely wife was looking as beautiful as ever.

The next day was a free day. My wife and I had breakfast at Denny's, then walked up and down the Strip. Caesars Palace, I must say, has the nicest casino around. It just isn't about the games with them; the overall structure and decor is amazing. And yes, I will admit that I succumbed to the siren song of a few of the slot machines, but there were a few that I did stay away from.

Later that day I caught up and had drinks with Jeremy D. Brooks, where we talked about writing and publishing and all that good stuff. Later that night, my wife and I had dinner at Paris, right there on the patio overlooking the sidewalk and street. We had a pretty good view of the Bellagio despite the pesky trees, and watched five different sets of their famous fountain show.

That night everyone but the parents went clubbing -- or, more accurately, we went to one of the clubs in our hotel, the kind that has a velvet rope that you have to wait behind. Yeah, it was that kind of classy. And ... well, the night was kind of a blur, but we ended up outside on the deck and I do remember hearing police sirens but didn't think about it much as, come on, it's Vegas. But as it turns out, Paris Hilton was arrested that very night, across the street and less than a block away. Last time my wife and I were in Vegas, O. J. Simpson was arrested. Coincidence? Perhaps. Or maybe we're just bad luck for celebrities. Watch out, Mel Gibson!

The next morning I managed to drag myself out of bed and meet the legendary David B. Silva for breakfast. Now if you're a fan of horror or dark fiction, you should be reading Dave's work. He's one of my favorite horror short story writers. It was a pleasure and honor to meet with him and talk about writing and books and publishing and just about everything. One thing we talked about was the shifting price of e-books, something I hope to at some point bring up here on this blog. But then breakfast was cut short as we needed to check out and catch our shuttle to the airport. Which, I should add, has probably the strictest security in the world. Seriously, God forbid you forget to take a bottle of water out of your bag; you'd think a SWAT team was going to bust out of the walls. My wife wasn't lucky with the metal detector, though, and got the extra pat-down.

Then it was a two-hour wait for the plane to arrive and take off. We saw what it probably the coolest T-shirt ever. In fact, we were almost tempted to buy it, but then we realized that this was one of those T-shirts that, while it's awesome, is something you would never seriously wear in public. (It's a Hangover reference, for those of you scratching your heads.)

And then, before we boarded the plane, one last goodbye to the Strip.

Now having returned home safe and sound, it's time to dive back into this Y. A. novel. Talk to you all soon.

The Storm Of The Century

Well, okay, maybe not quite the storm of the century, but yesterday a pretty bad storm passed through our area, knocking electricity out in a number of places, one of which was our place. I was at work most of the day, but my wife was home when the power went out, and the power stayed out for at least twelve hours -- it was weird driving home later that night, seeing lights on everywhere like normal, and then turning the corner to our development and there being complete darkness. Suffice it to say, we had to chuck everything in the freezer and the perishables in the fridge. And we had just gone grocery shopping recently! Anyway, thanks to everyone who entered the zombie mini-contest giveaway. The tenth eligible comment was made last night, so with the help of Random.org, the winner is ... ST! ST, send me an e-mail at robert (at) robertswartwood (dot) com with your address and I'll get a copy of Best New Zombie Tales, Vol. 1 out to you posthaste.

The Battle For E-Rights

In case you haven't heard, literary agent Andrew Wylie, who hasn't been happy with the terms publishers have been offering for e-rights, has decided to open up his own publishing venture and Random House (no doubt the biggest of the Big Six) isn't too happy about the whole idea. What does this mean for us "emerging writers"? Who knows exactly. Sure, some are already prophesying the downfall of print, but it's hard to imagine that will happen very soon. In terms of Wylie and large advances though, this is definitely worth thinking about:

In what may just be a good piece of publishing apocrypha, Wylie himself is reported to have said that if an author ever earns out an advance, he hasn’t done his job. Whether that’s accurate or not, industry players will readily agree that Wylie is among the best in the business in getting publishers to pony up. But by choosing to publish his own e-book editions, isn’t Wylie moving his business a step away from his prime customer (the editor with the fat corporate checkbook) and a step toward the fickle tastes and maxed-out credit cards of consumers?

Time, as always, will tell.