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Mrs. Betty Richard Strikes Back

So I thought Holden McGroin's fun with Mrs. Betty Richard was over. Apparently not. The day after I posted our correspondence I received this email from "her":

Good day Holden, As regards to your last email i received from you,it is like you are not interested in doing what i am asking from you.It's so painful to come across unserious person like you,let me know if you are ready for this with a positive heart and focus..Awaiting your next email.

Thanks, Betty Richard

So my first reaction was, Seriously? You're REALLY going to try to make me feel bad for not taking this whole thing seriously?

And then my second reaction was, Okay, I'll play along.

My response (again, all of my misspellings and whatever else are intentional):

Mrs. Betty Richard! I am so happy to here from you! Indead i must aplogize for my last email. You see over the weekend i was in terible auto accident. I am fortunate to be safe but am in pain and was on many medication so i responded to your email with hastey eyes. Alas i have no health insurance so my bills are very steap!! So yes, i am interested in doing what you ask for your money. Yours, Holden McGroin

Mrs. Betty Richard's reply the next day:

Am sorry about your accident you had,do have a quick recovery..

Here I thought I may have lost the elusive Mrs. Betty Richard completely. I didn't want to press things, so I replied:

Thank you so much Mrs. Betty Richard!! That is so nice of you to say. And I am to sorry about your contacting AIDS. Again any help I can give I will try my bestest.

Yours,

Holden McGroin

The next day, the big payoff came through:

Good day Holden,

Thanks for your nice compliment,well this is the way to contact my lawyer.

My Attorney have the document of this fund and i will advice you to contact him so that he will issue you this document, before you contact my bank. Please contact Barrister James Bin Barrie, email (jamesbarrier.lawyer77@gmail.com) and his phone number is +60102426651 please send him an email or call him OK but it will be nice after you have send him email then call him to inform him so that he will issue you this document and you are 100% assured that you will receive this funds but in one condition you must be honest to your word and carry out this project for me.

i want you to know that I will be very much happy if you donate half of this fund to Charity as you have promised me OK and please act the way you said to me and pray for me too and once you contact my attorney just let me know and I will love to meet with you as soon as you receive this funds and even am doing all this but have never meet with you once, I just hope you are a honest person and please carry out this project with all your heart, my lawyer will help you to do everything you need to receive this funds OK and i will try and open my laptop to see if I will read from you OK may God bless you.

I am hoping to read from you again.

Mrs Betty Richard. Of Paper Merchant Industry, Address.3 Manchester Rd Partington, Manchester, Trafford M31 4FB, UK

What's interesting is if you Google "Barrister James Bin Barrie," you'll find he is quite the generous fellow. Why, there are many other dying woman who are using his services to give all of their money to complete strangers. Truthfully, we need more selfless people like him to make the world a better place. As for Holden McGroin, well, he's getting a little tired with people constantly offering him money, so as of right now, he is retired. He sends his regards.

The Postman Always Rings Twice. Unless He's Dead

So news broke earlier today that a lost novel written by James M. Cain has been found and will be published by Hard Case Crime next year.

Charles Ardai, the founder and editor of Hard Case Crime, said in a telephone interview that he had been alerted to the existence of the work, “The Cocktail Waitress,” by the mystery writer Max Allan Collins. Mr. Ardai said he found further references to “The Cocktail Waitress” in the writing of Cain, who died in 1977, and in a biography by Roy Hoopes. But he was unable to obtain the manuscript for nearly five years until it turned up in a set of papers that were inherited by Mr. Ardai’s agent from another literary representative who worked with bygone Hollywood writers.

Mr. Ardai said that when he finally received a copy of Cain’s manuscript for “The Cocktail Waitress,” “it was this wonderful moment like out of a Spielberg movie, where you open the chest and the light comes up from inside, and you don’t ask the question, ‘Where is the light coming from?’ ”

Now I've talked before about my feelings regarding posthumous novels, and those feelings haven't really changed. Especially with works that are incomplete. Such as is the case with The Cocktail Waitress:

Among the tasks remaining for Mr. Ardai is to reconcile the different versions of the novel’s ending that Cain left behind, and to decipher some of Cain’s more cryptic handwritten margin notes.

So the novel's ending that will eventually be published may not really be the ending that Cain had originally envisioned. Of course, there's no way to know for certain in any event, but still, something about it just doesn't feel right from a writer's standpoint. Then again, from a reader's standpoint it doesn't feel right either. You know how protective fans get. Just look at what happened to Robert B. Parker's Killing the Blues by Michael Brandman. Currently 15 one-star reviews on Amazon, most of which complain that the new writer sucks.

Though, to be honest, Parker wasn't the greatest writer in his later years.

Cain, let's hope, was.

And let's hope that The Cocktail Waitress stays as true to the author's vision as possible.

Even More Spammy Fun

As many of you know, I love having fun with spammers. It's just so ... well, fun. Sometimes for kicks I'll respond to a spammer but will get no reply. Then, when I'm lucky, they will reply, and that's when my alter ego Holden McGroin takes over. Observe and note that all misspellings on my part are done intentionally.

2011/9/14 Mrs. Betty Richard <jerzy.a.kotarski@neostrada.pl>

I am Mrs. Betty Richard and I got your contact on net when I was searching for someone I want to Will my money to. Please I have Willed the sum of $5,000,000.00 to you which is the only money left in my account right now. If you want to know why I have willed this money to you and you want this money to be transferred to you please get back to me as soon possible.

My reply:

Yes I woud like your money pretty please.

Yours truly,

Holden McGroin

The next day from Mrs. Betty Richard:

I am Mrs. Betty Richard and I got your contact on my personal search of the person I want to WILL my money to. Please I WILLED the sum of ($5,000,000.00) to you ,that is the only money left in my account right now. If you really want to know why I have WILLED this money to you and you want this money to be transferred to you please contact the bank manager whose name and address I will give you as soon as you reply this mail.

My bank will help you transfer this money that I have WILLED to you. Right now I am in the hospital emailing you with my laptop computer and I will tell you my story as soon as I hear from you. Mrs. Betty Richard Of Paper Merchant Industry, Address.3 Manchester Rd Partington, Manchester, Trafford M31 4FB, UK

My reply:

Yes I would definitely like to here more of you're story and am sorry you are in the hospital but at least you have a laptop computer that is nice I have never actually used a computer before so it would be nice to by one and use one with all this money you are so generationally giving me.

Yours truly,

Holden McGroin

Later in the evening from Mrs. Betty Richard:

Good Morning Holden McGroin,

My story is that I was mistakenly injected with the needle used on a HIV/AIDS patient that was how i got this illness since a year and half now. Please I WILLED this money to you with all my heart and I believe is the will of God for me to meet you today. Ever since I got this strange illness of mine I strongly devoted my life to Jesus Christ and I have been WILLING my money to churches, charity organizations, and some individuals which you happened to be one of them, is God blessing to you.

Please accept my offer and help me. I have authorized the Bank manager/Account officer were i have account at United Overseas Bank (England) to help you transfer the sum of Five Million Dollars left in my account to you, I am in the hospital with my laptop emailing you. Please use half of this money for your investment and pray for me. Also the remaining half to charity homes in your country. Get back to me as soon as you receive this fund. please i will give you my Bank contact address once I read from you again so that you can contact them immediately God bless you do have a nice day.

Mrs. Betty Richard, Of Paper Merchant Industry, Address.3 Manchester Rd Partington, Manchester, Trafford M31 4FB, UK

My prompt reply:

That is terrible! Please, I want to help any way I can. Send me your money posthaste and I will first buy a computer because I have never used a computer and then I will do as you say and create my own religion and build my own church and welcome followers with open arms.

Yours truly,

Holden McGroin

That was Saturday, and I have yet to hear back from Mrs. Betty Richard. Which, I must admit, I'm a tad irritated about. To think, this person was wasting my time for nothing!

Stories For Nighttime And Some For The Day

About two years ago I read this story at Wigleaf and was like, Wow, that's great! And then awhile later I read another story at Wigleaf by the same author and I was like, Wow, that's great too! So I Googled the author but couldn't find much at all, not even a website. I did, however, find him on Facebook and sent a friend request and messaged him how much I dug his stuff and Ben and I have been friends ever since. I mean, the guy picked me up from the airport last year when I went to L.A. for the Hint Fiction reading. You don't just do that for anybody. So you better believe I'm excited for his new book that's just been released earlier this week -- have, in fact, been excited since Ben sold the collection to Penguin in the first place. As Stewart O'Nan says:

"Stories for Nighttime and Some for the Day is that rare find -- a book that excites the reader. These tales are hilarious and vertiginous in the calmly absurd manner of Lydia Davis, Jack Handey and Etgar Keret. With his first book, Ben Loory proves he's already a master of the sleight of hand."

GO GET IT.